It was Never the End Goal

No more last minute writing frenzies. No more tears over a late assignment. No more studying for hours at night after a full day of work. 

Who would complain?

I had set my goals at a young age. I would have my masters by the time I was 25-years-old. 

But, for some reason once I finished my masters I felt a piece missing in life. I had been in school for eight straight years. It all began in June of 2006 when I graduated high school a year early. 

I remember stepping on BYU campus as a freshman and feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. And yet, I saw the world as a possibility. 

No more than four months after receiving my bachelor's degree and I was enrolled in a masters program. Was I a masochist? Maybe. In the fall of 2011, I was 23-years-old and on the path for my goal. 

That summer I had gotten my first career job as well. A full-time job and full-time school don't really mix. But, I did it.

More than a year passed and despite not being very social I was blessed to meet the man of my dreams and my loyal friend - Eric. It wasn't by chance he came into my life when he did. 

Now, at 25 I have a husband, three years of a professional career on my resume, a masters degree, and a new home. If anyone asked me what my life would look like in three years after finishing at BYU I would never have fathomed such a sight. 

I sometimes think about my old friend, school. Was it an educational mask that I hid behind? Maybe. Sometimes I feel like I was born to be a lifetime student. The grading scale, the hours of painful studying, and the classroom experience. I enjoyed it. All of it.

As I reflect upon school, and even miss it at times, I realize that I never allowed myself to feel proud. I had done it. I came out of a masters program debt free. No student loans and no financial assistance. 

We need to allow ourselves to celebrate our victories. Maybe you woke up happier or you ran three minutes longer than planned. However small or insignificant you may think it is, celebrate. If we fail to celebrate the small moments we will be unable to recall our positive accomplishments in the grey moments that life sometimes has. 

In the last three months since finishing school, I've come to realize it was not the final destination and it never should have been. I am a staunch advocate for education and strongly believe in it. But, what I didn't realize, while attending school, was that it wasn't the final goal. It couldn't be. Why? Because if school was my end goal then school in itself would have been a waste of time. 

I now look forward to finding ways to use my MPA. Whether I use it in being a better mother or I run for city council or I start my own PR firm one day, I am determined to use it. As we decided what goals we want to accomplish we need to ask the question: why. Why am I pursing it and what will happen once I accomplish it? 

When I feel a tinge of longing for the structured classes and new beginning of each semester I will remember one thing: School was never my end goal. 

Do you (C) THE JOY? 
I do. 

Don't Turn Into Salt

When I was young, I always thought the saying "laughter is the best medicine" was a cliche. As I get older, I realize it truly is the best healing tool. Which leads me to our Roku.

My husband and I decided that we didn't want to pay $50+ every month for Dish Network. I would say Eric is making the greatest sacrifice with not being able to watch the Super Bowel in the comfort of our home. But, I would argue missing every. single. episode. of Love it or List it is rival to that. Yes, HGTV is  was my favorite channel.  

Overall, I am very happy with our decision. Which brings me to last night. 

The Mormon Channel has a ...ahem..channel on the Roku. I was browsing the videos and came upon this one: New Year's: Look not Behind Thee. The short clip interviews people in a diner and asks them if they remember the story of Lot's wife. 

My favorite reply was...."He had a lot of land, right? So, that's where they came up with the name parking lot." 

No, no Mr. chef man that is not how the term parking lot was determined. 

Well, to sum up the bible story Lot and his family, after being prisoners in the most wicked towns of Sodom  & Gomorrah (doesn't it just sound scary!?), flee and are warned not to look behind them. Well, Lot's wife looked back and poof...she became a pillar of salt. 

What can I learn from this? Lot's wife didn't realize that future held much better opportunities than the past. I realize that when we focus on our past and turn are heads, just slightly, we are jeopardizing our happiness. We don't know what God has in store in the next day, year, or five years. What we do know is that He is knows all things. 

 "But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things."

If maybe Lot's wife would have looked forward with just the desire to hope for the future she may have witnessed blessings she never dreamed imaginable. 

Do you (C) THE JOY?
I do. 

Zipper Recall

It was a Wednesday that felt like a Monday. Oh, and it was only 10 a.m. Mountain Standard Time. Who decided that we would split the country up in time zones? I want to have a talk with him or her. Back to the topic at hand. -----> Wednesday.

Now, it's noon and I was going to grab a quick lunch. Well, my pants had a different idea in mind. I looked down and pop.

POP!

My zipper was broken. What did I do? I laughed. I just started laughing. 

My second thought was probably what 70% of the female population would think. Am I gaining weight? Well, I decided that wasn't going to "weigh" me down. (punpun) Luckily, I had a little extra cash and decided to go treat myself to TJ Maxx. It was closer than home, right? 

I walked into the store holding my purse over my wide open "barn door" and found some new pants. By the way: Hiding an open zipper is a lot easier than I thought it would be. 

I'm happy to report that I found some dark blue Express skinny pants for $19.99 (originally $38). My Wednesday afternoon could have gone a lot worse, but I decided to (C) THE JOY.

The best part of the afternoon wasn't my new pants or the fact that I got a steal of a deal. It was that my initial reaction was to laugh at my not-so-perfect afternoon.

Oh, and now you all know I wear size 8. 

Can you (C) THE JOY?
I can. 

Can You See?

I was doing it again. Second guessing myself. "I'm sorry" I blurted out. No, I didn't mean that. But, the truth was: I did. 

Where was all of this coming from? I wasn't sure in the moment. My brain wasn't processing the emotions fast enough for me to cipher every thought out. So, I just didn't. They (the thoughts) sat as almost if they were on strike. Not moving, not caring, and not helping. 

It's become clear to me that I care. I care too much what he, she, or they think. It's not bad to care what other's think, but when it determines how YOU FEEL about YOURSELF, it's crossed a line. 

I honestly can't pinpoint where it started or at what age. But, here I was, 25-years-old and overly cautious at what I said. 

Was I a bad person for thinking this way? No, in fact I know I am stronger for admitting it and bringing sub conscious thoughts forward, not matter how foreign it feels. 

This is me. Caitlyn. I'm ready to start a life journey of not searching, but SEEING the peace and a life void of all fear. 

Can it be down? I think so. That's why I named my blog (C) THE JOY> because joy is there. I know that in every action, thought, and situation joy can be at the forefront of the mind and the experience. 

I'm not like anyone else, yet I am in every way. I am unique in my eternal make-up but I experience the same joy, fear, and pain as my brothers and sisters in this life experience. 

We all have insecurities and we all have battles we are fighting. I've decided to document my desire to (C) THE JOY more clearly, every day. 

I'm thankful for my husband, Eric, who has helped me every day in seeing life in a beautiful perspective. I'm grateful for my family and friends who have been constant in my life. I'm especially thankful for my Savior, Jesus Christ who, because of His sacrifice, makes my goal of eternal life possible. 

Can you (C) THE JOY? 
I can.